The Impossible Paper
We had to write as essay, “But,”
the professor said, “Don’t
pick as your subject:
Religion, or
Abortion / Birth Control, or
Gun Control, or
the Death Penalty; for
everyone writes about those things
and I want to read something different.”
“Okay, but anything I write about will eventually contain references to one of those, wouldn’t it?” I asked myself, when pondering over the daunting task of choosing a topic. I mean, suppose I chose to write about the opposing views on Forest Management, won’t I have to address
State’s Rights, and doesn’t the constitution say our rights come from God?
Since religion is out, this would be too, right?
But if I chose instead to write about the rising crime rate in Idaho, I will come across ways of curbing it, including…
Gun Control.
So, that’s out, too.
Now, suppose I chose to write about hybrid cars and the need to conserve energy and protect the environment: butting heads in the debate over domestic oil drilling (for either gas or other underground resources to off-set the electricity in the hybrids) are the politicians, and this means State’s Rights will become involved and…
You guessed it, no can do.
Cloning wouldn’t get me into an “F” would it? Or would it…in among that mess is genetic engineering, and either the topic of Birth Control would come or the topic of Abortion would, so…
Ditto on that, too.
How about the rising popularity of Texas Hold ‘Em Poker? Surely that would be okay, if I focused only on those off-shore floating casinos where gambling is actually allowed (thus avoiding government involvement), and avoided the sins of gambling – I just might have a winner here. But, I overlooked the fact that even mentioning gambling conjures up images of gangsters betting on everything from which fly will land on Vinny’s nose while he’s dead, er I mean asleep. And gangsters conjure up images of prison and mobsters and death row (for being on death row doesn’t mean you’re going to die, many get pardons and so even being there is a gamble of sorts…especially for killing someone who was a million dollars in debt to the Mob) and surely the death penalty thing will have to come up and, presto! It’s out, too.
As I pondered these things in my noggin, it dawned upon me I might just be able to write this impossible paper after all: and on Forest Management, as I first wanted to do. It means, though,
Omitting the government involvement and the controversies with our neighbors to the north
Omitting State’s Rights by focusing instead on
a US company in Borneo that is teaching them the proper way to conserve the rainforests, and trying to create a global awareness campaign that prevents the black-market cutting and extraction of rainforest trees that is ruining the soil over there.
For if the reinforest trees
are gone
the planet will overheat to the extent that
it will be too hot to support life.
And then we won’t
have to worry about Abortion or
Gun Control or
Religion or
the Death Penalty at all.
(But they still will have to worry about the afterlife, though I didn’t mention that.)
I suppose I could
have chosen another topic
that would have slipped through the
cracks in the limitations imposed,
But
time was running out.
