(My friend, Sam, told me a mutual friend of ours was getting a poodle, years after he said he’d never get a poodle because they are so yappy. Sam wanted me to “get” Darryl (because Sam has poodles himself), but not to tell Darryl he told me about the poodle. So I wrote this. All the tips here are true except for the first one, believe it or not.)
Darryl,
Welcome to O.O.P.S. (Owners of poodles Society). To make the transition from poodle-hater to poodle-lover easier, here are the top ten tips to make your new life easier for both owner and pet:
10) Never use the phrase “oodles of poodles and noodles” because your poodle will develope a phobia of Chinese food doggy bags. (Just ask Sam if this isn’t so.)
9) When you give your poodle a hair cut (they don’t shed like other dogs) make sure the males don’t get one of those funny-looking French cuts, or they will have an identity crisis that will make life for you intollerable. (Just ask Sam again, if you don’t believe me.)
8) Make sure you spoil your poodle as if it were a member of the family, for poodles can adopt a very annoying attitude if they don’t get their way. (Just ask Sam.)
7) Make sure there is plenty of cat food around, for once a poodle gets a taste of cat food, they will bug you daily until they get their “fix.” (Ask Sam about Spike.)
5) Speaking about names, make sure your poodle has a mean-sounding name; it will make up for their small size – you don’t wnat them to become whimpering sissy-dogs, do you? (Just ask Sam for an appropirate name for a poodle if you have trouble coming up with a tough-sounding name.)
5) Never, I repeat, never try to teach your poodle to do tricks: it is demeaning to their personality and as frustrating to the owner as trying to teach a pig to sing. (Also, it allows people named Kermit to show-off when they teach a cool trick to your poodle, like giving a high five. Just ask Sam.)
4) Make sure the back yard is fenced in and, in the winter, keep a path through the snow cleared for them to go out back and do their business; they hate getting snow on their paws. (Just ask Sam.)
3) Don’t believe the vet when he/she tells you poodles can’t reproduce until they are a year old, if you are thinking of getting a mate for your poodle; as they only need to be six months old…just ask Sam.
2) Make sure you have lots and lots of baked chicken on hand. A poodle that doesn’t gorge itself on chicken will…er, uh…just ask Sam’s Korean wife, Kim, as to why. She can explain it better than we can.
1) And the number one top tip for a new poodle lover is: If your poodle ever gets a tic embedded in its skin, there are two good ways to remove it: first, try alcohol (as some tics don’t like getting drunk) and if that doesn’t work then, second, try a burning match. (This really works, and make sure you have a video recorder handy because America’s Funniest Home Videos will pay handsomely for a video of a comet streaking through the living room. Just ask Sam!)
